So what are these grudging forms of coupledom that modern marriages are relegated to?

Ambivalent Marriages

Taylor and Russell Armstrong from the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. Finally! There's an official classification for their marriage.

Described as “chronically ambivalent,” semi-happy marriages are more akin to business partnerships or friendships without “important elements.” Presumably things like intimacy or romance, because those are the things that usually keep business partners or besties from getting married.

Parenting Marriages

If you have children with a spouse, it’s understandable that you’d want that person to be a great mom or dad. Parenting marriages become totally defined by those roles though. See Jon and Kate Gosselin for examples of why that doesn’t always work out.

Overworked Wife/Underemployed Dreamer Marriages

Beyonce may sing about how women are “smart enough to make these millions, strong enough to bear the children, then get back to business,” but it turns out that doesn’t make for a happy marriage when the other person is too busy chasing dreams to make a significant contribution in any of those areas. Marriages with stay-at-home dads who play a leading role in raising children and maintaining a household aren’t included in this group.

Can we use the Gosselins as an example again?

“Yes, Dear” Marriages

Time calls this the Ed McMahon syndrome, where one spouse is so eager to maintain the predictability of a semi-happy marriage that they agree with anything their spouse says just to keep things on an even keel.

Numerous examples come to mind here, but we’ll be diplomatic and let you come up with your own examples.

“It’s Cheaper to Keep Her” Marriages

Some divorced couples actually fall into this category – sharing a house for the sake of children or cost, and some married couples who’d like to divorce but can’t afford it fall into this group. Thus making for a really awkward roommate situation. Planning a romantic date? “Hang on, my wife has the bedroom for tonight, can we reschedule tomorrow for when she’s on the couch?” See, really awkward. People in these marriages are often dating or sleeping with other people while still living together or publicly appearing as married

Though they’re onto the acrimonious child custody portion of their divorce, see Camille and Kelsey Grammer circa 2010.

Does this book forget a sixth type of marriage?

While we’re a little happy that someone is finally acknowledging that marriage isn’t a universal happy, glorious cure to singledom, we’re still romantic enough to believe that there’s a six type of marriage: the “these people are really in love with each other” marriage. See: a certain Prince and Duchess (who, granted, are still new at the marriage thing) and President and First Lady (who’ve had a bit more experience) who can’t keep their eyes off each other, and lots of less famous but just as committed couples. Are things always wedded bliss? Probably not, but sometimes people get married and decide to work on things because they love the other person (not for the kids, because they’re afraid of being alone, and not because they can save some money). And once in a while, we hear that can work out well.

Pay close attention, because these are names which will only be mentioned once a year on Signature9 (well, possibly twice if we’re looking ahead to April 1st), especially next to the word “inspiration.” Now, 7 costume ideas inspired by the faces that frighten us throughout the year.

Shauna Sand

The latest Hollywood starlet to try to move off the D-list via sex tape, Sand has never found an occasion where lucite wasn’t appropriate.

How to get the look: Lucite heels, a little spandex (really – as little as possible), frosted lip gloss and black eyeliner are all you need to pull this one off. And before you leave the house, don’t forget to take one thing off. Shauna would probably suggest underwear.

Kim Zolciak’s Wig

The Real Housewife of Atlanta star has drawn attention from her first frame on the small screen with her doll-like wig. Diane von Furstenberg pulls off the look on the cover of Purple magazine.

How to get the look: If you can’t get your hands on a Margiela coat for the costume, scalp a few Barbie dolls and piece together. We can’t guarantee that you’ll look as good as Diane, but you’ll probably still do better than Kim.

Lindsay Lohan

From fresh faced to frightening in five years flat. We won’t say she’s aging in dog years, but the once glowing star now looks to be in the same age range as her mother.

How to get the look: You won’t be able to achieve it overnight, but buy a minimum 5 bottles of self tanner and apply liberally.  Apply pasties (Ungaro, of course), “borrow” jeans with a bag of baking soda in the pocket, pick up an automobile fender to carry around and voila! You are La Lohan.

Jocelyn Wildenstein

Is any explanation necessary?

How to get the look: Purchase a plastic princess mask. Melt for 15 minutes. Done!

Katie Price/Jordan/Jodie Marsh/Roxanne (Alex Reid)

They’re almost interchangeable at this point, but read on for the subtle differences in costume.

How to get the look: The costumes all start the same: 2 round balloons, over-inflated and placed at chest level. A Borat style swimsuit made of pleather, metallic lamé or glitter covered nylon and a pair of heels made for streetwalking are the foundation. Apply 3 coats of pancake makeup, bronzer and false lashes. Top with a wig made of Amy Winehouse’s rehabbed beehive.

For Jodie Marsh, sprinkle with glitter and desperation, add rhinestones. For Katie Price/Jordan, volunteer inappropriate information throughout the night, insult any other women in similar costume for being trashy. And for Roxanne (Alex Reid),  add a pair of stockings, cross your legs and look like more of a lady than the girls next to you. That might actually be the easiest.

Jon Gosselin

While he’s pulled his 8 children off of TV and out of the spotlight, we haven’t had as much luck getting Jon Gosselin to do the same.

How to get the look: 3 hours in Ed Hardy, 15 minutes at Claire’s (for the rhinestone ear dazzlers), 2 women half your age (and no more than 2.5 x the age of your oldest child), a bald spot and a clock on 14:58 will make this look complete. Accessorize with 8 child dolls, but only because Halloween’s on a weekend.

Chantal Biya

With hair that the Toddlers and Tiaras crowd can only dream of, there is no one on the world stage who can compete with Cameroon’s first lady. We’re only frightened because of what Ms. Biya might be hiding in her hair.

How to get the look:  Buy the Dallas DVD set. Purchase a wig, tease until it is exactly 3.14 times (this look is both art and science) the height of Alexis Carrington’s. Pair with a power suit from the same decade, add jewels and a bow. Accessorize with an air of indignation at the starlets who try to look better than you. Know in your heart that they never will because you have backup bows tucked safely away beneath your first layer of hair. Just look at that picture: Michelle, who?